magazine issue 6 2014 / Issue 21

No strings attached: Are “friends with benefits” as complicated in real life as they are in the movies?

• written by Justin J. Lehmiller
• edited by Dylan Selterman

Many people become “friends with benefits” to avoid drama and to have sex without getting tied up in emotions; however, the reality is that having a friend with benefits often becomes complicated. Why is that, and is there anything you can do to avoid these complexities? In this article, we will explore the science behind friends who decide to have sex.

 “No relationship. No emotions. Just sex. Whatever happens, we stay friends.”

 – Jamie (Mila Kunis) and Dylan (Justin Timberlake) negotiating the rules of their sexual arrangement while swearing over an iPad bible in the film Friends with Benefits

“Friends with benefits” (FWB) relationships have become increasingly common over the last few decades. As some evidence of this, data from the General Social Survey reveals that among college students surveyed between 1988 and 1996, 55.7% reported having had sex with a friend; among students surveyed from 2002 to 2010, that number jumped to 68.6% (Monto & Carey, 2013). As FWBs have increased in popularity, so have media depictions of these relationships, including the popular films No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits. These and other media portrayals of FWBs suggest that they tend to follow a pretty standard narrative: two friends talk over drinks about how complicated and messy sex and relationships tend to be. These friends then come to the conclusion that the solution to their problems is to decouple sex and emotion and just have sex with one another. Things get hot and heavy and seem pretty exciting for a while; however, things inevitably get messy because the partners cannot keep their emotions at bay. Sound familiar? It should, because this plot has been enacted time and again.

So is this what FWB relationships typically look like in real life? Research suggests that FWBs often follow a different script in the real world than they do in the movies. People can have very different motivations and expectations for their FWBs, which can lead these relationships down many possible paths. However, the movies do get one thing right: navigating a FWB relationship tends to be pretty complicated.

What is a Friend with Benefits Anyway?

In the popular media, FWBs are invariably depicted as having been friends first, and this friendship is seen as a vital part of the relationship. In everyday usage, however, people define and use the term “friends with benefits” in many different ways. For example, in a study by Paul Mongeau and colleagues (2013), they asked 177 heterosexual college students to define “friends with benefits” in their own words. After analyzing the content of all of the definitions submitted, the researchers found that there were actually seven distinct types of FWBs that varied in the relative degree of emphasis the partners put on sex vs. friendship, how often they interacted, and what they hoped to get out of the relationship in the long run. The seven varieties of FWBs included:

1) True friends: when two preexisting friends decide to start having sex, just like in the movies. This was the most common type of FWB arrangement participants reported having had before.

2) Just sex: when two people hook up from time to time, but do not really have a true friendship.

3) Network opportunism: when two people agree to serve as “backups” for each other in situations where neither of them can find another partner for the evening.

4) Successful transition in: when someone intentionally uses a FWB as a stepping-stone into a romantic relationship.

5) Unintentional transition in: when FWBs accidentally turn into romantic partners. Most media portrayals of FWBs end with the partners moving into some type of romantic relationship, even though they were initially trying to avoid this.

6) Failed transition in: when someone hopes to use a FWB as a stepping-stone to romance but is not successful in doing so.

7) Transition out: when romantic partners decide to maintain a sexual relationship after a breakup (sometimes referred to as “ex-sex”).

As you can see, the term “friend with benefits” can have more than one meaning! Despite this clear variation, however, most researchers to date have studied FWBs as one homogenous group. As a result, we must await future research to determine whether certain types of FWBs tend to be more or less successful than others.

One thing that is clear is that, in the case of heterosexual FWBs, the sexes attach different meanings to these relationships. Consider a recent study by Lehmiller, VanderDrift, and Kelly (2011), in which 411 adults aged 18-65 who currently had a FWB were surveyed (on a side note, this age range tells us that it is not just college students who are having FWBs!). When asked why they started this relationship, most men and women pointed to sex as the primary reason, which is perhaps not surprising. However, men (72%) were significantly more likely than women (56%) to report that sex was their primary motivation. Also, women (37%) were significantly more likely than men (25%) to say that their primary motivation for starting the relationship was to connect emotionally with another person. Moreover, when asked what they hope the future holds for their FWB, most women (69%) expressed a desire that the relationship would change in some way, whether that meant becoming romantic partners, reverting to friends, or cutting off their friendship and sexual relationship altogether. In comparison, most men (60%) expressed a desire for their FWB arrangement to stay the same in the future. These findings suggest that part of the reason heterosexual FWBs often become so complicated is because men and women are not always on the same page about what the relationship is and where it is going. In many FWBs, it would seem that there are actually quite a few strings attached.

Why Do FWBs Get So Complicated?

The fact that men and women sometimes have discrepant motivations and expectations when starting a FWB relationship is certainly one source of complication, at least in the case of cross- sex FWBs. However, FWBs often become complicated for another reason: a lack of communication both in and out of the bedroom. For one thing, most people who have a FWB report failing to set any kind of rules for their relationship (Bisson & Levine, 2009). When it is not entirely clear which behaviors are permissible and which are not (e.g., having sex with other people, telling other people about the relationship), it becomes all too easy to unintentionally hurt your partner’s feelings. In addition, FWBs do not communicate about sex as much as one might expect. Although popular media portrayals suggest that FWBs have greater freedom to talk about their sexual desires and ask for what they want compared to romantic partners, this is not the case in reality. In fact, in a study that directly compared the sexual communication patterns of a sample of 190 people who had a current FWB to 186 people who had a current romantic partner, the results revealed that FWBs were less likely to discuss their sexual needs and desires, establish sexual boundaries, and talk about sexually transmitted diseases and contraception (Lehmiller, VanderDrift, & Kelly, 2014). The only aspect of sexual communication where FWBs appeared to have a leg up on romantic partners was in talking about the sexual experiences that they have with other people. FWBs were also more likely to have discussed the need to use condoms when they have sex with outside partners.

Why is communication lacking among FWBs? One factor that may play a role is the fact that alcohol use is associated with reporting FWB experience (Owen & Fincham, 2011). In fact, many FWBs only get together when they are drinking. However, while alcohol reduces inhibitions and breaks down barriers to sexual activity, it may also impair communication. Not only that, but alcohol use is linked to making less thoughtful relationship decisions (Owen & Fincham, 2011). Consequently, FWBs who get together while drinking may be less likely to think things through. It is also worth noting that, independent of alcohol use, some FWBs may shy away from communication because they fear that it might create too much intimacy or they may worry that establishing rules and boundaries might make their arrangement even more complicated.

How Are the “Benefits?”

Research comparing FWBs to romantic partners has revealed that there are no differences in sexual practices across these two types of relationships (Lehmiller et al., 2014). In other words, FWBs engage in roughly the same types of sexual activities as people in more committed relationships. Where they differ is in frequency of sex and sexual satisfaction. Specifically, FWBs report having sex with one another less often than romantic partners, which makes sense given that FWBs do not typically live together and therefore have fewer opportunities for sex. In addition, FWBs report being less sexually satisfied than romantic partners. To be clear, this is not to say that FWBs are inherently dissatisfied with the sex they are having—that is not the case at all! In fact, FWBs are very satisfied on average, just not quite as satisfied as romantic partners. Why is that? One factor is likely the lack of communication about sex. If you do not tell your partner what you like and enjoy, it is less likely that you will reach orgasm consistently or achieve maximum pleasure. Another contributing factor may be that FWBs are more likely to use condoms than romantic partners. For some people, condoms reduce sexual pleasure. Finally, one other factor that may be at play here is the fact that the more sex you have with the same partner, the more you learn what that person likes and how to please that individual. Because FWBs have less sex than romantic partners, they therefore have fewer learning opportunities.

What Happens to FWBs in the Long Run?

As mentioned above, FWBs often go on to become romantic partners in the movies. What happens in the real world? To date, there have been no published longitudinal studies exploring the typical trajectory of FWBs; however, in a study in which college students who had a previous or current FWB were asked to report on their outcome of their relationship, the results suggested that these relationships go off in a number of directions (Bisson & Levine, 2009). Specifically, 28.3% reported that they were still FWBs, 35.8% reported that they stopped having sex yet remained friends, 9.8% reported that their relationship evolved into a romance, and 25.9% reported that their relationship ended completely. In a different study of college students who were asked about their most recent FWB that had ended, about half said that they were no longer friends or were less close than they were before, while the other half said that their friendship was as strong or stronger than ever (Owen & Fincham, 2013). Thus, it is possible to go back to the way things used to be before becoming FWBs, but it is far from guaranteed.

Are There Any Secrets To a Successful FWB?

It is clear that some FWBs turn out better than others in that their friendship survives the sex. So are there any tips or insider secrets for managing FWBs? First, it is important to recognize that FWBs might not be right for everyone because people differ in how they approach sex and relationships, and some people naturally have an easier time separating sex from emotion than others. For example, consider the personality trait of sociosexuality (Gangestad & Simpson, 1990). Persons who have what is known as a restricted sociosexual orientation are uncomfortable having sex unless they have an emotional connection to their partner; in contrast, those with an unrestricted sociosexual orientation feel that sex and love do not necessarily have to go together. It is likely that persons with an unrestricted orientation would be less likely to develop feelings for their FWBs and would have an easier time staying friends if and when the sex ends. Thus, before you go looking for a FWB, it is important to think about whether this is the right type of relationship for you.

Second, the research in this area demonstrates that FWBs tend to have some pretty big communication deficits. A lot of FWBs fail to establish any ground rules whatsoever, and many do not get on the same page about what the relationship is and is not. To reduce the odds of one or both of you getting hurt, communication is vital, and not just up front—it is important that you continue to communicate as the relationship goes forward. It is also important to communicate about safer- sex practices because most FWBs are non-monogamous and they do not use condoms consistently with all of their partners (Lehmiller et al., 2014). Although your FWB is (usually) your friend and you may have a lot of trust in this person, you still need to take proper precautions to protect your sexual health.

Finally, although some people want to maintain long-term FWB relationships, others see them as temporary (Lehmiller et al., 2011). If you are looking at your FWB as the latter, you might want to consider explicitly setting an expiration date on the “benefits,” especially if you have concerns about one of you developing unreciprocated feelings for the other. In other words, if you do not intend for this relationship to last, discuss in advance what the exit strategy is going to be.

Conclusions

“Friends with benefits” represent an increasingly common type of sexual arrangement in the modern world. Although these relationships are most frequently associated with young, heterosexual adults, persons of any age, gender, and sexual identity can have a FWB. People define the term “friends with benefits” very differently, and they often approach these relationships in distinct ways. This, combined with the fact that FWBs have less than open lines of communication, makes these relationships incredibly complex to navigate and can send them down a number of paths. However, there are things you can do to reduce the complications that so frequently arise when friends decide to start having sex. Above all else, if you opt to add “benefits” to your friendship, make sure to communicate so that neither of you later discovers some hidden strings.

References

Bisson, M. A., & Levine, T. R. (2009). Negotiating a friends with benefits relationship. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 66-73. doi: 10.1007/s10508-007-9211-2

Gangestad, S.W., & Simpson, J.A. (1990). Toward an evolutionary history of female sociosexual variation. Journal of Personality, 58, 69-96. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-6494.1990.tb00908.x

Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., & Kelly J. R. (2011). Sex differences in approaching friends with benefits relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 48, 275-284. doi: 10.1080/00224491003721694

Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., & Kelly, J. R. (2014). Sexual communication, satisfaction, and condom use behavior in friends with benefits and romantic partners. The Journal of Sex Research, 51, 74-85. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2012.719167

Mongeau, P. A., Knight, K., Williams, J., Eden, J., & Shaw, C. (2013). Identifying and explicating variation among friends with benefits relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 50, 37-47. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2011.623797

Monto, M., & Carey, A. (2013). A new standard of sexual behavior? Are claims associated with the “hookup culture” supported by nationally representative data? Paper presented at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association.

Owen, J., & Fincham, F. D. (2011). Effects of gender and psychosocial factors on “friends with benefits” relationships among young adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40, 311-320. doi: 10.1007/s10508-010-9611-6

Owen, J., Fincham, F. D., & Manthos, M. (2013). Friendship after a friends with benefits relationship: Deception, psychological functioning, and social connectedness. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, 1443-1449. doi: 10.1007/s10508-013-0160-7