magazine issue 2 2021 / Special Issue: Human Sexuality

A Primer on Porn and Relationships

• written by Dan Miller & Gert Martin Hald
• edited by Marlene Werner & Matthew Baldwin

The ease of access to pornography via the Internet has sparked a renewed interest in the effects of porn on consumers, with much of the public debate on the topic highlighting potential harms. We see everyone from the media (1), to high-profile academics, to politicians weighing-in on the issue. One accusation that’s frequently levied against porn is that it harms romantic relationships. For example, notable social psychologist, Phillip Zimbardo, has claimed that porn “is creating a generation of risk-averse guys who are unable (and unwilling) to navigate the complexities and risks inherent to real-life relationships” (2), and Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum even posted support for federal laws against the distribution of porn on his website, claiming that “pornography is toxic to marriages and relationships” (3). But does the research support the notion that porn harms relationships?

Self-Perceptions of Porn’s Impact

A surprisingly underutilised approach to assessing porn’s impact is to simply ask consumers what kind of effect they feel porn has had on their lives. One large qualitative study (4) did exactly this, asking partnered men and women to elaborate on the effects that porn has had on their relationship. These responses were then categorised into themes. By far, the most commonly reported theme was that porn had had no serious negative effect on one’s relationship, with positive effects being reported more frequently than negative effects. Commonly reported positive effects included improved sexual communication, porn being a good source of sexual information, and porn contributing to sexual experimentation within relationships.

More quantitative approaches to assessing self-perceived effects of porn have produced similar results. For example, 80% of Australians interviewed as part of the Second Australian Study of Health and Relationships reported that pornography had not had a “bad effect” on their lives (5). Several other studies have found that consumers typically self-perceive porn to have a more positive than negative impact on their sex lives and attitudes toward sex (6-8). However, this is not to say that participants in these studies report no negative impacts on their sex lives (or even that these self-perceptions around porn’s impact are completely accurate). For example, in one study of Danish young adults conducted by the second author, the men and women sampled reported that, on average, porn use had had a moderate positive impact on their sex lives and attitudes toward sex, while also reporting small negative impacts. Clearly, a lot of porn users believe porn to have both a positive and negative influence on their sex lives and relationships, even if the net-effect appears to be positive for most people.

A Causal Relationship?

Another approach that is taken in assessing impacts of porn on relationships is to measure participants’ porn use and then assess its correlation with measures of sexual or relationship satisfaction. If porn use does adversely affect relationships, we would expect that people who view a lot of porn would report poorer sexual and relationship satisfaction, and vice versa. Among this kind of research, results are equivocal, with some studies finding negative associations between porn use and sexual satisfaction, but not between porn use and relationship satisfaction (9, 10). Other studies suggest that porn may be associated with poorer sexual and relationship satisfaction among men but not women (11, 12). When results differ between studies like this it can be hard to determine what is going on. Fortunately, a meta-analysis (a statistical analysis which combines the results of multiple studies) has been conducted specifically to investigate the correlation between porn use and interpersonal satisfaction (sexual and relationship satisfaction) (13). Correlations can range from –1 to +1. A negative number represents a negative correlation (e.g., more porn use is associated with less interpersonal satisfaction). A positive number represents a positive correlation (more porn use is associated with more interpersonal satisfaction), while 0 indicates that the two variables (in this case, porn use and interpersonal satisfaction) are totally unrelated. In this meta-analysis of 50 studies, porn use showed a small, but statistically- significant, negative correlation with interpersonal satisfaction (-.10 for those of you playing at home). That is, using porn was associated with less interpersonal satisfaction. However, this association differed by gender, being more pronounced for men (-.13) and virtually non-existent for women (-.01).

One problem that has been identified with this literature (14) is that a lot of the research in this area (and by extension, a lot of the studies included in the above meta-analysis) is non-experimental, with data being collected at a single point in time (what we would call a “cross-sectional” or “correlational” research designs). This makes it impossible to make inferences about cause and effect. The negative association between porn use and interpersonal satisfaction among men might indicate that porn use leads to less sexual and relationship satisfaction. However, it could also indicate that relationship issues (like feeling sexually dissatisfied) causes one to seek out porn, or even that both variables are related via a third variable (e.g., drive for sexual novelty might be related to both sexual dissatisfaction and viewing porn). Longitudinal studies (studies in which data is collected from the same participants at multiple points in time) provide a better basis for determining causation (although longitudinal studies are still prone to the “third variable” problem mentioned above).

Fortunately, a few longitudinal studies have been conducted on this topic. In these studies, porn use has been found to be associated with later sexual dissatisfaction (15, 16), poorer (self-rated) marriage quality (17, 18), and relationship dissatisfaction (19). However, one recent longitudinal study found porn use to be totally unrelated to sexual satisfaction among adolescents (20). On the whole, the longitudinal research provides tentative support for the idea that porn use can adversely impact sexual and relationship satisfaction to a small degree.

Experiments provide even stronger causal evidence than longitudinal studies, but experiments in this area are relatively sparse (due to the practical and ethical limitations around conducting these kinds of experiments). Of the experiments which have been conducted, the findings are mixed. In terms of evidence for porn use causing poorer relationships, one small experiment found that participants who were instructed to abstain from porn for 3 weeks reported greater commitment to their partners, compared to a control group who were instructed to abstain from their favourite food (21). Another notable experiment from the 1980s found that men who were exposed to images of nude, opposite- sex, centrefolds (the kind you might find in your dad’s old Playboy magazines) reported less sexual attraction to, and love for, their romantic partners, compared to men who had been shown images of abstract art (22). However, when a group of researchers recently tried to replicate these findings, they found no differences between the experimental and control groups in terms of either sexual attraction or love for one’s partner (23). Finally, one experiment found that women who watched porn depicting clitoral self-stimulation were more likely to report subsequently engaging in this behaviour, although this didn’t appear to then impact participants’ feelings of sexual satisfaction (24).

Unrealistic Expectations

So far, we have learnt that while a lot of consumers feel that porn is a positive, or at least benign, influence on their relationships, there is also some evidence to indicate that porn can have a small negative impact on relationship and sexual satisfaction, at least among men. So, the question is, why might this be? Several possible explanations for this have been proposed in the scientific literature, as well as by the media. One theory is that porn influences the perceptions of porn users to the point that they consider the kinds of sexual practices depicted in porn to be the norm, or at least highly gratifying. These consumers then feel dissatisfied when their real-world sexual relationships do not meet these unrealistic expectations (13). We will call this the unrealistic expectations hypothesis.

So, is there any evidence for the unrealistic expectations hypothesis? Well, content analyses (a kind of research method in which researchers analyse the contents of a “text”, e.g., looking at what kind of sexual behaviours are frequently depicted in a sample of the most-watched videos on websites like Pornhub) do indicate that mainstream porn frequently depicts sex in ways that many would consider to be unrealistic (e.g., ejaculation onto the partner, unprotected sex between near strangers) (25, 26). In this way, the sex depicted in porn is distinct enough from the kinds of sex most people typically have that porn may give some consumers distorted messages around what sex is like. Interestingly, the most commonly reported negative effect of porn in the large, qualitative study mentioned above (4), was that it creates unrealistic expectations around the self (e.g., expectations around penis size or sexual stamina or duration), and one’s sexual partner (e.g., expecting one’s partner to be comfortable engaging in acts frequently depicted in porn). Additionally, a large survey of people currently in a relationship who use porn, or have a partner who uses porn, found that 17.1% of women (but only 1.3% of men) reported feeling pressured to perform sexual acts that their partner saw online, and 9.2% of women (but only 1.2% of men) felt that porn had made their partners more critical of their bodies (27). This said, most participants reported that porn had had no negative impact on their relationships (67.3% of women and 74.8% of men). Additionally, research carried out by the first author tentatively suggests that porn can impact men’s perceptions of women’s willingness to engage in the kinds of sexual practices it commonly depicts (e.g., rough, unprotected sex with a near stranger) (28).

Based on the above findings, we might conclude that porn does seem to influence perceptions of sex, and may increase consumers' desire to engage in “porn-like” sex, but does this then translate to feelings of sexual and relationship dissatisfaction? The first author tested this question, across two samples of men, using mediation analysis (29). In mediation analysis researchers assess the effect of a predictor (in this case, porn use) on an outcome/s (sexual and relationship satisfaction) via a third “mediating” variable (preference for engaging in porn-like sex). In this study, porn use was associated with a greater preference for porn-like sex. However, preference for porn-like sex was found to be unrelated to feelings of sexual or relationship dissatisfaction. The study even found some evidence to indicate that porn use may increase feelings of sexual satisfaction by promoting interest in sexual variety (for example, porn may give consumers ideas as to new sexual practices; ideas which can then be integrated into the relationship in a way that is enjoyable for both partners). Of course, this is just one study, so it is hard to conclude that the unrealistic expectations hypothesis has no validity, but the study does provide some initial evidence against the contention that preference for porn-like sex is the missing link between porn use and romantic satisfaction.

Masturbation, Emotional Intimacy, and Religion

In the aforementioned mediation study (29), the first author also tested whether, among men, the link between porn use and romantic satisfaction can be explained by the frequency of solitary masturbation. Porn use is typically accompanied by masturbation (30). Additionally, among men, orgasm is associated with a “refractory period” during which the ability to become sexually aroused is impeded (31). While arousal is impeded during this refractory period, it is still possible to become aroused by novel, or highly-vivid, sexual stimuli, an example of which would be pornography (which offers sexual novelty in spades). As such, the first author has argued that frequent masturbation to porn may lead to a kind of “refractory cycle” in which the user feels he is only able to become fully aroused by pornography, as opposed to his sexual partner (who may not provide as much sexual novelty as porn) (29). The study’s findings were consistent with this idea: porn use was associated with more frequent masturbation, which in turn was associated with sexual and relationship dissatisfaction, even when taking factors like relationship length into account. Another recent study, using data from two large-scale national surveys, also found evidence for the idea that the link between porn use and relational outcomes (self-rated “relational happiness” in the study) can be explained by masturbation frequency (32). Interestingly, in some of the analyses conducted in this study, porn use was associated with greater relational happiness once the effects of masturbation frequency were statistically controlled for.

Of course, masturbation is not the only explanation for the relationship between porn use and romantic dissatisfaction that has been proposed. Research conducted by the second author and colleagues highlights the role of emotional intimacy (33). Here it was found that porn use was associated with relationship dissatisfaction, but only among men who lack emotional intimacy with their partner. Among men with higher levels of emotional intimacy, and among the women who were sampled, porn use and relationship satisfaction were totally unrelated (but only after controlling for demographic variables in the case of the women). Other factors which have been found to impact the nature of the relationship between porn use and relational outcomes include perceiving porn to be a good source of sexual information (34) and viewing porn as immoral (e.g., for religious reasons)(18). This latter point relates to the moral incongruence theory of porn’s effect, in which negative effects do not stem from porn per se, but rather from acting in a way that is inconsistent with one’s moral values (e.g., viewing porn even though you believe porn is wrong on religious grounds). For example, one study found that porn use was associated with sexual dissatisfaction among biblical literalists—those who believe that the Bible should be taken as literally true on all subjects—but not those who view the Bible metaphorically (35). Similarly, research by the first and second authors found that while religious men were no more or less likely to view porn, they were more likely to report that porn had had a negative impact on their lives (8).

Using Porn with a Partner

It should also be kept in mind that context really matters when it comes to porn and relationships. While the effects of using porn with one’s sexual partner have not been studied as extensively as the effects of solitary porn use, the available research suggests that solitary porn use and using porn with a sexual partner have different relational outcomes. For example, people who view porn with their sexual partners report more sexual satisfaction (36), increased sexual and relationship intimacy (37), and less sexual boredom (27). This may be, at least partly, driven by openness of communication within relationships. For example, one dyadic study (studies which sample pairs of people, in this case, both members of romantic relationships) found that couples who viewed pornography together reported being closer and more open with their sexual communications, whereas discrepancies in couples’ pornography use (i.e., one partner frequently used porn while the other did not) were associated with poorer relational outcomes (38). Interestingly, the study also found that couples in which both partners frequently used porn alone reported similar levels of closeness and openness of communication to couples in which neither partner used porn, suggesting that discrepancies in porn use are more important than simply whether the members of a couple do or do not use porn. Another dyadic study similarly found that discrepancy in partners’ porn use was associated with poorer communication within the partnership, which was then associated with relationship dissatisfaction (39). While only a few of these dyadic studies have been carried out (and so far only on mixed- gender couples) the results suggest that porn can potentially be used as a tool to aid communication within relationships, especially around issues of sexual likes and dislikes. This said, one recent study found viewing porn as a couple to be associated with greater intimacy, but also increased psychological aggression within a relationship (37). The authors state that more research needs to be conducted to determine whether these findings replicate across samples, and if so, why porn use might be associated with aggression for some couples (e.g., Can porn use itself become an area of contention for some couples?).

Conclusion

Investigating the effects of porn on relationships requires a multifaceted approach in which we think “meta-analytically” across various kinds of research. We have seen that while most consumers don’t feel that porn has had a negative effect on their relationships, meta-analysis indicates a small negative correlation between porn use and relationship satisfaction (at least among men), with some longitudinal and experimental evidence suggesting that porn use is the cause of this dissatisfaction, and not the other way around. A number of theories have been proposed as to why porn might negatively impact relationships: porn can create unrealistic expectations of sex; frequent masturbation can undermine men’s sexual arousal toward their partners; one can feel guilty for acting at odds with one’s moral stance on porn. A growing number of dyadic studies seem to indicate that using porn as a couple can benefit romantic relationships, potentially aiding communication around sex, and thereby increasing sexual satisfaction. This would suggest that researchers need to stop focusing on “the effects of porn”, and start thinking about the effects of the way porn is used.

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