magazine issue 10 2024 / Issue 54

"We are on the same wavelength!" The creation of a shared reality and its relationship with uncertainty reduction and connection with others

• written by Matteo Masi & Yael Bar-Shachar
• edited by Stella Wernicke

Reviewers: Wasita Mahaphanit, Dr. Ullrich Wagner

People seek connection by finding that they share the same understanding of things in the world. This creates a shared reality that builds connection and confidence, reinforcing shared reality itself. Close relationships often experience a strong sense of shared reality that helps them get through difficult times.

Shared reality is the experience of having something in common with another person, whether it is feelings, beliefs, or opinions, and thus seeing the world in the same way [1, 2]. As humans, we can often experience a sense of shared reality, either with strangers or close others. As an example of the creation of shared reality in everyday life, imagine that you are watching a movie with a friend. Just because you are watching together does not guarantee that you will both have the same thoughts or feelings about what you have just seen. But imagine that you start talking about the main protagonist of the movie and your friend suggests that she resembles your neighbor: you could completely understand what he is talking about! You think about it for a second and suggest that she does behave like her. Then, spontaneously and simultaneously, you both imitate the way she usually answers her phone, and you both laugh. You begin to experience that you share a reality with your friend in which you both find the way your neighbor answers her phone funny. Because of this shared reality, you feel that you are on the same wavelength.

Why do we strive to create a shared reality?

People share experiences and reactions with others, often spontaneously, but why? One fundamental reason is that most people do not like uncertainty. Being unsure about something and lacking confirmation can lead to stress and discomfort [3]. So, how do people deal with uncertainty? People spontaneously seek the opinions of others to gain a sense of security in their beliefs, a phenomenon called social validation. Much of what we believe is shaped not only by our own thoughts but also by the influence of those around us [4]. Sharing our feelings and opinions with others often makes them feel more real, “truer”, and receiving validation from others makes the world more understandable and manageable. Shared reality theory suggests that seeking validation from others also strengthens interpersonal relationships, and vice versa [5]. As social creatures, we often seek connection with others, and sharing our internal states brings us closer to others. Thus, creating a shared reality is fundamentally about establishing commonalities to reduce uncertainty regarding the world and foster connections between individuals.

Shared reality theory suggests that seeking validation from others dissipate uncertainty and strengthens interpersonal relationships through the creation of a shared worldview.
The idea that people strive to create a shared reality comes from social psychology studies that show how people tend to align themselves with the opinions of others when faced with ambiguous choices [2]. Imagine a new person joining your group of friends. Based on their initial actions, they could appear either self-confident or arrogant, which might be perceived as a positive or a negative trait, respectively. You have not had a chance to interact with them much, and thus you might be unsure about your final impression, leaning toward one judgment or the other. So you ask your friend whether you are missing something. Your friend responds, saying, “I like him!”. Therefore, when asked about your impression of the newcomer's behavior, you might echo your friend's sentiment and say that the newcomer seems more confident than arrogant.

In simpler terms, in this situation, a shared reality was formed when your friend shared their positive thoughts about the newcomer. Knowing about your friends’ opinion allowed you to clear your ambiguity and find the “truth” about the newcomer. This spontaneous alignment of opinions is known as audience-tuning [6]. Research consistently showed that people tend to adopt the view and remember details that align with someone else's opinion [2].

An example of audience tuning. Tuning into someone else's opinion creates a shared reality that increases confidence in oneself and connection with others [2].
In addition, it is worth noting the complementary process to alignment, i.e., receiving verification of one's already formed opinions [7]. In one study, participants were given an ambiguous task – to choose between two equally qualified candidates for a job. They received indirect feedback from a stranger who confirmed or disconfirmed their choices, suggesting a commonality of opinions that is constitutive of the experience of shared reality. Indeed, participants reported experiencing shared reality regarding the candidate with those who verified their decisions. However, they did not report experiencing shared reality with those who did not.

Receiving verification and aligning opinions both alleviate the sense of uncertainty and bring us closer to others. After all, when individuals feel they have more in common with someone, they also tend to trust and like the other person more [7]. Thus, on the one hand, shared reality establishment increases epistemic (i.e., related to knowledge) trust and relational motivation toward others, and on the other, hand its creation is driven by epistemic and relational motives to understand and connect, respectively. This is supported by several studies which found that shared reality creation does not occur when individuals have to communicate with someone from a different group they do not trust unless this person is considered an expert in the topic of the discussion [8], when they do not find the partner likable [9], and when motivated by non-shared-reality goals, such as politeness or obtaining incentives through sharing [10; for a review, 2].

The evolution of shared reality in close relationships

According to the theory, shared reality evolves in close relationships through several sequential stages, with the lower ones remaining critically important even when the highest is reached [11]. Building a shared reality with someone can be a spontaneous process, but maintaining it requires some effort.

At the outset, when a relationship is just beginning, two people discover they share feelings about certain things. Essentially, they bond over shared likes and dislikes, such as enjoying the same movies or playing a sport together. Next, they start engaging in activities together. Through this shared experience, they begin to adopt shared practices. These practices are unique ways of interacting and communicating, verbally and not, within the relationship, almost like forming a micro-culture. At this stage, self-disclosure and reciprocation become crucial. This involves opening up to each other searching for validation for one's feelings and thoughts and finding validation in the response from the other person.

Once shared practices are established, the dyad begins to build up shared coordination. One fascinating aspect of this stage is how close others tend to remember autobiographical events together by recounting daily episodes from their lives to each other. By recalling these memories together, the dyads lay the groundwork for setting future common goals. After successfully navigating through the three previous stages, close others may find themselves developing a sense of “we-ness” which refers to a feeling of shared identity. This final stage is often described by individuals as experiencing “merged minds”, where they think the same way about things, often simultaneously or anticipating each other, and ultimately feel more certain about the world when they are together [12].

The four stages of shared reality development [11].

As people get closer and navigate through the different stages, they may report a growing sense of Generalized Shared Reality (SR-G). This type of shared reality differs from the experience of shared reality regarding a specific topic, as it is a shared reality about the world at large. For example, two people with a high SR-G level might agree with the statement “We share the same understandings of the world.”. Moreover, close partners' SR-G predicts their experience of “merged minds” and, in longitudinal studies, predicts their daily level of connection [12].

Interestingly, it is possible also for strangers to develop an initial sense of SR-G after a few minutes of ordinary conversation, in which they may find common ground and similarities in the way they view multiple issues about the world. Indeed, in one study, pairs of strangers were asked to discuss ambiguous pictures in conversation [12]. Their experience was then measured with questions such as: “We usually share the same thoughts and feelings about things.” Participants with high SR-G scores reported deeper emotional intimacy and stronger rapport with their partners. They also noted that they experienced a genuine connection or sense of “clicking” with their partners and gained a clearer understanding of the ambiguous pictures. As a result, strangers with high SR-G scores trusted their partners more, which is likely to confirm their worldview and increase their sense of security and connection. In addition, those who experienced higher levels of SR-G were more likely to express behaviors such as mutual anticipation, simultaneous or near-synchronous exclamations, and vocalization of agreement, creating observable patterns of interaction that signal the creation of a shared reality. Perhaps strangers who experience higher levels of SR-G from the start are more likely to develop close relationships in the future [12].

Consequences of shared reality in close relationships

According to the theory, among all types of relationship, close relationships like romantic couples may experience the strongest type of shared reality, probably because couples in a healthy relationship share and validate each other more than friends or strangers [11]. In other words, they may be characterized by greater interdependence and a higher sense of “merged mind” than other types of relationships. For this reason, the study of couples can provide valuable insights into the implications and dynamics of a shared reality. Moreover, the theory suggests the experience of shared reality might serve as a protective factor, reinforcing the couple against negative events. By maintaining a strong sense of shared reality, such couples can develop a resilient bond that helps them navigate challenges and maintain relationship satisfaction, even in the face of adversity [11].

In one study, romantic partners reported their SR-G [12]. After a week, they took part in an experiment in which they were given a manipulated report on their similarities in interpreting various sensory stimuli. The negative report could potentially threaten their perceived shared reality, since their perceptions about the world were not aligned as they were expected to be. In fact, the couples having a higher baseline SR-G and exposed to the negative feedback subsequently exhibited a higher number of indicators of shared reality, which were observed from their behaviors (e.g., mutual anticipation) and conversational patterns (e.g., vocalizations like “I was thinking exactly the same!”). The authors concluded that when shared reality is threatened (when the feedback was negative), couples with high SR-G will act to regulate and re-established their shared reality.

Some recent work has attempted to measure the development of shared reality in couples' daily lives and its role in reducing stress. For example, in a 14-day study [13], couples rated some daily stressors identified the night before a diary was completed, their shared reality experience of the stressful event, and their psychological distress. The authors hypothesized that women would be more sensitive to the influence of sharing on stress reduction due to their tendency to befriend for survival, but also due to hormonal and emotional expressivity differences from men [13]. Indeed, nearly all female participants (99%) experienced positive outcomes related to their shared experience of reality, but less than half of male participants (42%) benefited.
As an example of the positive role of shared reality in the couple's daily life when threatened by world events, an investigation took place during the Covid-19 pandemic [14]. Undoubtedly, the pandemic can be characterized as a period of uncertainty, with widespread concern about the future of humanity. Uncertainty, as mentioned earlier, often acts as a catalyst for seeking reassurance from others. One of the most affected groups during this period were frontline health workers and, indirectly, their significant others. Social support, especially from close partners and significant others, became critical during these stressful times. Without it, relationship satisfaction could plummet. In fact, this study found that workers who relied on their shared reality with their partners were more likely to be satisfied with their relationship. By creating a shared reality, couples increased their feelings of being supported by their partners, which in turn led to greater satisfaction (note that this experience may be related to satisfaction but does not attempt to fully explain the complexity of what makes a couple satisfied).

Another study examined the way shared reality changes through everyday lives in relation to daily disclosures of personal experiences to one’s romantic partner [15]. Couples that participated in a four-week study were asked to report about daily positive and negative personal experiences, whether they disclosed them with their partner, and if so – what was their partner's reaction, in terms of responsiveness (that is, how understanding, validating and caring it was). The researchers found that the mere disclosure of a personal event is related to a higher shared reality on the same day. On top of that, greater perceptions of responsiveness from the partner were also positively linked to their daily shared reality. Remarkably, for negative events, these effects were more pronounced when the events were marked by the participants with greater uncertainty, indicating that during challenging times, there is greater sensitivity to uncertainties when seeking shared reality.

Conclusion

Altogether, this overview suggests that a sense of shared reality is triggered by uncertainty about the world, and once established plays a fundamental role in bringing people closer together and reinforcing confidence in their beliefs, whether they are strangers or in established relationships (and specifically romantic ones). By sharing feelings, practices, and coordinating activities, close others develop a shared identity as a unified “we”. Consequently, actively sharing our inner states (e.g., emotions or thoughts) with others can not only help in building significant relationships but also in safeguarding them from the challenges and distressful events that may arise in the external world.

References

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